I'm going to try and elucidate on some thoughts I've been having for a while now. It's one of those things that, in my case, I'm working on throwing off some of the opinions that were instilled in me during childhood and all that. I think that I've tried to hold on to ideas that just don't work for me simply because they were comfortable and known. (We humans sometimes have problems with the unknown, you know.) Still, just because you grind down the corners of a square to make it fit in the round hole doesn't mean that's it's a circle.

These thoughts are about the nature of God ~ or if there is a God, for that matter. Everyone who has ever expressed their own thoughts on the matter to me have always said the same thing, nearly by rote. God (insert Jesus, if you must ~ that's a flaw I've never been able to get anyone to talk about. They'll reverently tell you that he was the Son of God and then go on to talk about him as if he was and is God himself.) loves us but do one thing wrong, BAM!! Down you go to become barbequed soul mcnuggets. I've always thought that this line of thinking was repetitive boolsheet but in my own thinking, I've been just as guilty of the rhetoric. It occurred to me the other day that I had merely exchanged male for female in my thinking. I hadn't really done my homework on the subject ~ I was simply holding on to what I had read. It was having this effect: instead of sawing off the corners of that square, I was relentlessly grinding them down on the sides of the round hole. Again, it still wasn't a circle but a raggedy mess.

I suppose that deep down, in my heart of hearts, I'm an agnostic. I just don't know. I feel that there is something out there but whether it is 'greater' than me...again, I don't know. Yes, I have had encounters while out on journeys. Epona. Artemis. The 'Creator' as a whole. The question always remains when the journey is over: was that real or was it a product of my imagination? Granted, some will tell you that as long as you get some good out of the experience, it doesn't matter but I'm not satisfied with that. I guess my main problem with it is this: if they really were who they said they were, shouldn't there be some proof that leaves absolutely no doubt in my mind? I mean, I'm not asking for the sun to disappear or water to start boiling for no reason or some such but hey, who wants to be mistaken for a figment of imagination?

I guess this train was given more steam by my reading of Carlos Casteneda's The Active Side of Infinity. (A bit of a sidetrack: when I first started on my path to wherever it is that I'm going, I read the stories of Don Juan and didn't understand a thing in them. Now, after discovering Core Shamanism, I find myself going back to them and I understand more of what's going on! That thrills me to no end...) They speak, not of gods and men, but energy and forces of nature. Everything connected by strands of etherial energy that the aware person can see and use. In fact, after death is thought of as being the time when the most importnat work is done ~ so much so that it's called the active side of infinity.

So. What if these forces are what people call 'God'? It seems egotistical to think that a 'God' form would think and function anything like a human ~ if that were the case, then God himself would probably be damned to hell several times a day. What if 'God' functioned on such a different cognitive level that it was unrecognizable to humans? (Yes, granted, it's said of god already but bear with me.) What if 'God' was nothing more than energy and that everything is simply a molecule making up the totality of god?

Well, I don't know if I believe that either. It relies too much on what I'm questioning to begin with ~ the existence of a god. I'm starting to go around in circles now so I'll stop the merry go round before motion sickness sets in.