I finally got around to putting in all those changes that I've been meaning to do since...oh, end of December. I can't believe how easy it was - pretty much 'right', first time around.

I've been doing some "studyin'" (as Carl from Slingblade would say) since class last night. E. went pretty much to the heart of what's been bugging me so much in these last few days...weeks...months...you get the idea. Since it is a Sexuality and Soul Awareness class, we spend quite a bit of time on relationships, how they work and why we draw the people to us that we do. I jokingly told L. that she ought to really appreciate me since I've completely taken the spotlight off her and brought it upon myself.

Of course, one (of several) main points of the class last night was looking at the reality of the relationship instead of what it appears to be. This is the thing that really hangs me up - I've spent so long in a self-induced mental and/or emotional stupor that I don't want to see whatever reality may be there. I know that it's not a good place to be and that there are probably more mind creatures (Sun Bear's term for bad programming) involved in it than I can count. Still, haven't I been saying myself that there needs to be a change in this relationship? I've been saying that since the beginning of this journal.

As I've been told before - I'm a stubborn thing. I have to get hit with a mental sledgehammer before I believe it sometimes.

As usual, E. asked me some innocent (if only on the surface) questions about the current situation with C.M. being sick and my being without a car. I have been having to be 'ferried' about by C.M. for a while now (haven't herd anything about the financing on that truck yet - maybe tommorrow). She asked me about who drives his car - he does and 'only' he does; who drove the night he was so sick and dizzy - no one, we were stuck at Tech until he got over it, and the big question of all: what is he doing about his self-improvement and spiritual evolvement - little to nothing.

All this came about because I mentioned that I had been falling asleep in C.M.'s car, sometimes not twenty minutes away from the house.

In the end, it all came down to this: why am I attracted to a person who, for all intents and purposes, is stuck? The reason I've been falling asleep is because I've been 'escaping' so I wouldn't have to face the reality of holding myself back because of being in a relationship with a person who is stuck in a rut. Either the relationship has to change - or it has to end. I would really like to see it change and grow - but that's what I've been wanting for years now. Things may change for two weeks max and then go back to the way they were. I guess it's like E. said - it takes two very committed people to change a relationship. Sometimes I wonder just how committed he is. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the wrong track.

Anyway, I didn't realize just how much I had been stuffing down and ignoring until today - and it took the equivilent of a sledgehammer to do it. I did a pretty good job of slicing my thumb open on a lid off of a cat food can tonight. It is a fairly deep cut but it goes across the tip of my thumb instead of down toward the bone. It looked like a crime scene at one point - blood was all over my drawing table where I had to take the blotter off of my thumb to put the band-aid on and it was bleeding faster than I thought. It ran down my hand and fingers...I wondered for a few seconds if it would ever quit. All through it, I did some fairly loud screaming and cussing - mostly just because it made me feel better at the time to do it. Later, I did do some energy work on it to keep the throbbing down and to heal faster as I kept it elevated. I think it's going to be alright.

During and after all this - I felt fear (understandable), frustration, and a bit of panic at the same time that I was doing everything to get the blood flow stopped and the Neosporin and band-aid on. It was almost like there were two people there - one calm and in charge, the other panicky and agitated.

Well, I guess that's it for tonight. Good night, Sweetie. Watch out for those murderous cat food cans...