Today has been a day for heavy decisions. I feel that I have reached one of those nasty crossroads: keep on the track that I have been traveling and continue to be miserable, yet stable or make a turn and accept what may come.

All truth be told, despite writing here and in the offline journals there are things that I have still refused to look at, much less accept. Perhaps it is glaringly apparent to someone just coming in and reading this journal that I've been avoiding ~ I don't know.

I was reading through some of the articles on healthyplace.com, especially in the areas dealing with depression and weight loss (or loos, as I just wrote. Heavy duty toilets?) when I caught myself in a nasty and completely incorrect line of thinking: there are things that I feel completely incapable of speaking about ~ to anyone ~ because of supposed repercussions (Gee, what could I think and know that would be so bad? Hmmm??? It's really quite silly to think that my opinions are going to cause such strife or possibly the end of the world now, isn't it? Just so you'll know, that last bit about the end of the world is a bit of an exaggeration) or that it didn't make a difference anyway because what I say is not going to be heard. It also occurred to me that some of this crap that I have gone through has been a form of self ~ punishment ~ again, for those things that are 'unspeakable'.

It's a great irritation to discover that these damn mental high jinks are going on in my own head are the same ones that I have noticed in my mother. There are things that we've talked about in the past (such as my uncle, the asshole ~ may his soul not rest in peace, not that I'm bitter or anything.) where she has admitted that she didn't say anything to the 'offending parties' because they may not speak to her again ~ to which I replied, "Would it be that great of a loss?"

Now, I find myself asking myself the self same questions. The answer, I've discovered is "Not when it means the difference between peace of mind or compromising myself because of not wanting to rock the boat. Not when it means some much needed empowerment and esteem." Besides, if someone is offended by my opinion then they should sit back and look at why it makes them so mad. If they aren't willing to do that then piss on 'em.

It is really quite stupid of me to punish myself for simply doing what I am supposed to do ~ be myself. How the hell can I be anything else? I am the perverbial round and slightly triangular peg trying to fit into the square hole (EEEeeeewwwwWWWWW! Who wants to be square anyway?)

So on top of all this, I realized today that one of my favorite methods of punishing/self-medicating is food. I have always had a problem with my weight but in these last few years, it has really ballooned. Pun intended. I have to do something about this, for several reasons but one in particular ~ I'm a vain bird and I've been caught in a vicious circle. The more weight packed on equals more self hatred equals more medicating with food...delicious food...

This could be very difficult ~ I love food! I love the taste; the texture, the aroma...oh lord, what have I set myself up for??

O.k...perhaps that is fear talking. I am not of the persuasion that says that all things previously held as delicious is automatically offlimits. I'm too much of an anarchist (as I've noted repeatedly in past entries ~ sheesh.) to take to such banishment. I have to learn to do everything correctly ~ or at least, more efficiently.

So...I guess that's enough for tonight. My hands are getting tired of the typing. Here's to alchemy!