I've thought about freewriting and free associating in this online journal...I find that prospect a bit daunting. I've discovered that even though I have come a long, long way since the beginning of this thing, there are still masks firmly in place and places where the boogey man still guards the gate, wielding the sword that appears to be able to cleave me in two if I come too close.

In short, there are mysteries that must stay in place lest I lose who I am ~ lose who I am and become nothing more than a pale reflection. At least that's what the boogey man would have me believe.

Truth is ~ there seems to be the little fear somewhere deep down that says if I do this, the possibility exists that something untoward would slip out and reveal my imperfect self to a cruel world just waiting to snap at every little scrap like a mad, mongrel dog.

My god ~ what a common, stupid thing. How could something so pedestrian be lurking in my head? Ugh. Weird, I can deal with. Unique, I love. Off kilter ~ bring it on. But this? It can't be. I can't be this common!

(O.k...I admit that the 'common' part is influenced by my reading The Oracle Glass again. I really must investigate whether or not I had a previous life in France during the time of Louis XIV. Else I can't explain the attraction.)

Since fear seems to be the topic of the night, here is a list of things that really frighten me at times:

• Sometimes I am afraid that perhaps I really am insane but no one wants to tell me so.
• I am afraid that I won't be able to support myself ~ in any way
• I am terrified of failure. It goes back to that feeling of insanity ~ that if I fail, those who are convinced of my insanity will take it as proof they need.
• That I will always be alone. This feels like a strength as well, though. Still, it would be nice to have someone who I could lean on; bounce ideas off of, be companionable with...talk to.