This isn't an easy one to do. I don't even know where to start. I suppose I could begin with some good stuff first.

I've begun using Donald Kraig's Modern Magick. I felt the need to go further into my work but hadn't found the means of doing that - nothing had quite 'fit'. So far, so good - I've been working with lesson one, which deals with relaxation and getting familiar with the tarot. I've read a bit of lesson two that deals with the Lesser Banishing Ritual and I like what I have read - it goes into great detail about what each part and word means in the ritual. So far in any thing else I've read, it only explain the first part which is called the Kabbalistic Cross. Yes - details are good. I like to know what I'm saying and doing.

Anyway, things have really bothered me lately. C.M. decided to do a will - without telling me that he was going to do it or what it was going to be done. He just handed me an envelope and told me to put it someplace safe and that I could read it if I wanted (as if I would just blindly do what he said. sheesh.) Well, I did. I don't like it.

He left me the house. That's it. He didn't even name me as executor of the estate. He named J. as executor. I have been with this person since 1985 and he doesn't even trust me enough for this. He named some near stranger to be in charge of the remains of our relationship. A stranger who can decide to take it all away at a whim.

WHY? What have I done? Not only does he dismiss my feelings on the rare occasions that I actually have some anymore but he seems to think so lowly about my intelligence that I wouldn't be able to take care of anything important. I'm beginning to think that the only action I have to save myself is to actually leave but where would I go?

Sometimes I think that I'm dying inside. There is nothing else but this shell, this automaton. I have tried everything I know to get him to open up to me but nothing works. All I wanted was to treat me like an equal. Not a tantrum throwing child. Not a receptacle. Not an object. An equal in all things.

Well, I didn't get that. It's his loss. I think it's time to go rollerblading.

LATER -

Well, I did go blading...I still have the habit of trying to do all the work instead of letting the skates do it. (Am I that much of a control freak? lol) I was afraid that I would run over one of the cats but this time, it all worked out.

I also spent some time out under the stars, watching the lightning from a storm that is somewhere toward Macon county. It lit up the entire sky with it's blue white flare. I tried an experiment while I was out there - I wanted to see what 'color' Earth energy really is. I relaxed (as much as one could with two cats sitting on her belly) and just 'sunk' into it.

At first, it seemed green but then I realized that while it could be considered a part of the earth energy - what I was sensing was actually the energy of the plants around me. It was just barely on the surface. It seems that as I went deeper, it was either brown or silver depending on where in the earth the energy came from. Silver comes from the core of the earth while the brown comes from closer - the mantle itself. I would have settled in and explored further but I was interrupted...an ant bit me and I about knocked Jean-Claude off of his perch on my belly.

Ah...the perils of a magickal life...lol.