Moon Phase = waning gibbous leaning
toward half, probably		Weather = Cool and Sunny Current books = none!Last movie seen = Mr. Nice Guy
June 15, 1998

I ran across these questions the other day:

Are you willing to endure the painful but transcient struggle to give birth to yourself? Can you accept this struggle for what it is - signs of a new life beginning to bloom?

These questions have stuck in my mind since I've read them. I've come to the conclusion that I really didn't have a choice whether to endure it or not. I either endure it or I die. It may not be a physical death, but it would be death all the same. I would have sacrificed my soul.

This process has been occuring for about four years now. I'm a stubborn soul, so it's takes a while. If you ask my mother, she'll be the first to tell you that it's true - she was in labor for 36 hours. Anyway, I was one of those people caught in that Julia Cameron calls a 'virtue trap' - also known as the original nice girl or as one person put it, 'Goody Two Shoes'. I woke up one morning and I realized that I had no idea who I really was. All I knew was acting: acting a certain way around my parents; acting a certain way around my friends...acting to 'get along'. I decided to stop acting and to get real.

During this process, I lost friends. They decided that they liked the act more than the real person. It was absolutely awful - not only did I not know who I was, I felt I was all alone in my struggle to find out. In the end though, it was for the best. These people were only in the way and hated the fact that I wasn't going to stay in their rut. They thought of themselves as happy and didn't like to be reminded of the fact that they were, in fact, in a rut. They told me that I was going through a second adolescence; that I needed 'guidance', I was just plain 'evil'...

Shame is one of the hardest things to deal with . I spent a little over a year as a near hermit because of shame. I hardly ever left the house and hated for anyone to see me. I was a hideous wreck, you see, and I didn't want pity. I was ashamed of my body; my voice, my thoughts, my beliefs, my clothes, my curiosities, my art...I wondered at times if all the pain was really worth it. I wondered if I was really evil. Julia Cameron says that 'shame is an attempt to prevent a person from behaving in a way that embarrasses us.' Sometimes, I think our entire culture runs on shame. We learn shame at an early age - either how it feels or how to dispense it. Deviate the smallest bit from the 'norm' (whatever that is) and wham! Even today, it's hard sometimes to deal with the shame, but I'm getting better. I know that I'm not a hideous wreck. I'm unique, and no one can take that away.

If you had asked me even a few months ago whether I'd be able to accept the process for what it is, I probably would have said, "What process?!" I can see it now for what it is and I can accept it - if only partially. (I'm a stubborn soul, remember?) I catch myself now and then wishing for things to be the way they were, back when I wasn't 'awake', but I wouldn't change things for the world. I'm alive, I'm reborn and I'm open.


I'm me and, by the Goddess, no one's ever going to take that away from me again.


Firewolf's Declaration


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