Moon Phase = 1st Quarter
Yay! I'm not in the dark anymore!		Weather = Sunny, slightly coolerCurrent books = Man in the Iron Mask - Alexandre Dumas

July 30, 1998

Sheesh, another month almost gone. I can't believe it.

I didn't realize how much journalling has meant to me...until yesterday. I had my hardbound journal with me yesterday as I took my car in for repairs - and accidentally left it in the car. They kept it overnight. On top of that, the computer at home wouldn't even come on (and yes, it was plugged in). I went into serious withdrawal - I didn't have anyone to talk to!

I keep thinking about what I wrote yesterday. I suppose I should...no, scratch that. I'm saying this because it's true. I am not blaming anyone for my predicament. Absolutely no one at all. I don't know if anyone is to blame. Truth be told, I can't even tell you whut because I don't even know what whut is anymore.

What I can say is that I am incredibly alone and lonely. Alone, I can deal with. Solitude is good for the soul, I say. Lonliness I can't deal with sometimes - especially when I'm not alone. I feel that I've been frozen out. There isn't any communication. Sure, there's talk - talk about things that don't really matter.

Something's going to have to give. He isn't a bad person - quite the opposite. Still, I can't live in a vaccuum, especially an emotional one. As I've said in the past, I don't want to give up. I'm stubborn. My mother says that I should be glad that I am 'taken care of' - I have food, shelter, transportation...but...it isn't enough. (She also says that life is hard and we can't have everything we want too - why am I still listening to her?)

I stay because I want to, deep down. I know that the option of not being in this relationship is there too. (As my 'adoptive father' once said, "As I see it, there are three choices: Yes, No and Maybe - which is the same as saying no.") Is it really worth vampirizing my soul for, though?

For the last two days, I have wanted to cry. I need to. I can't though. Some inner command won't let me. I need to cry and cry and cry - just so my soul can breathe.

Please, won't you let my soul breathe? I don't want to die.


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