Well, news on the research about depression - I found several tests on the internet that determine if you should be running to the doctor for more detailed tests. I took three of them - one said 'You show symptoms of being depressed.' Another said, 'You are borderline for being depressed. You should see a doctor for more accurate information.' The last one said, 'You show signs of being severely depressed. You should seek medical attention immediately!'

This is scary - I've suddenly become a statistic. Granted, these are simply informational tests but still...this is a :::insert booming voice here::: A Big Thing. All three tests said that I should seek medical attention for this. I've read back through past entries of this journal and realized that in many cases, the black feelings don't show. Then again, when the black moods come on - I don't write. I don't do much of anything. I lose whole days that way. (Thank gods, not too many of them. I think.)

There are several reasons why I don't write on those days.

1. It feels as if I'm 'disconnected' sometimes - I can think it, but it never goes much beyond that. My mind thinks it but the rest of me never hears.
2. I don't want to burden the entire World Wide Web with my black little thoughts. Kind of goes against the idea of a journal, doesn't it? See #1.
3. There is the programming that says that it isn't something that is spoken about - or as my mother says, "Everyone gets depressed - I don't understand why they just can't get up and go on." I could go on and on about that one - plus see #1.

The more research I do, the more thankful I am that I'm not too bad off - I don't spend hours on end thinking about how to end my existance here on earth. There have been several times in my distant past where that wasn't the case but not anymore. The first time was when I was in my early teens and later in my mid twenties but they were both rather half hearted attempts. I don't relish even the thought of those times. They were bad - I think what scared me the most was the realization of finality I had when the thought occurred to me that I could just slit the veins of my arms vertically and it would be more effective than the other way.

Thank the Gods that I didn't follow through with it...and why didn't anyone try to help me? It wasn't as if I was doing this in private - I was openly discussing this. I guess it wasn't meant to be at the time...or it could be that I was keeping company with an idiot at the time. Whatever.

We'll see what happens now. I think as a caution, I will begin taking St. John's Wort again.