Moon Phase =starting to wane toward GibbousWeather = Decent weather is back!!!!!
Fall is on the way!!!!!		Current books = Medicinemaker - Hank Wesselman
Quote: "Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame."
- Erica Jong

September 9, 1998

Question:

Imagine yourself as the biggest bitch in the world and take a good look at your life. What would you be angry about?

This is a very unsettling question, especially to a 'recovering nice person'. I find myself backing away from it. It's tough to let myself feel anger, much less express it - especially since it wasn't so long ago that I was told that in no way was it permissible. Perhaps it's time to unearth what I used to say when someone asked me what 'my sign' is: "I'm Capricorn with Bitch ascending."

Julia Cameron, in The Artist's Way, writes that anger is a voice telling us where our boundaries are; which direction to travel in, fuel. John Gray says that anger is a completely natural emotion. So why am I so upskittled by it? I remember even telling someone once, while we were talking about life, that I should be pretty angry about how my life is going - but I'm not. At one point, it was hard to feel anything at all.

So...let's stop dancing around and get down to brass tacks. What am I angry about?

I'm angry that I've been left all alone in this damn house. I'm angry that I'm left to struggle. I'm angry that I'm not listened to...and treated like a small child with a mental disorder when I am. I'm angry that I'm thought of as less of a person because I refuse to have sex. I'm angry that I'm left alone rather than trying to fix the problems in this relationship. I'm angry that I am not respected - and told that 'I need guidance.' I'm angry that I'm expected to happy and damn cheerful all the time. I'm not, dammit!! I'm angry that I gave up so easily on my dreams...I'm angry that I'm taken for granted...I'm angry that everyone expects me to to be like everyone else - I'm not!!! How can I be?

I'm angry that I'm having to start all over, when I should be well into my career. I'm angry that not many people seem to believe in me and what I can do as an artist. I'm tired of being my only cheerleader. I'm tired of fighting and scratching to hold on to what is the essence of 'me'...

I find myself very uncomfortable. I keep getting up and walking away so that I'm not overwhelmed. I don't want to deal with this. How can I not, though? I've said it before and I'll say it again: if I don't, I'll die. I know this in my heart but my head isn't listening very well.

Later -

Why is it that everytime I touch on a sensitive subject like this - I go on a cleaning spree? Is it because I'm trying to avoid something? Must be because I hate cleaning. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

Yes, I have a lot of anger. Sometimes, it rules my life. You may even say that it rules most of my life at this moment. I don't want it to but it does. I think of where I want to go with my life and where I am and I get so mad. I feel sometimes that the last ten years or so of my life have been for a lost cause. I don't want to say that but...I did what I felt was right at the time and now I'm not so sure. To make someone else happy I became their vision of what I should be and it was unappreciated. I sold myself out...or did I? (Don't ya just love questions like that?) I suppose I can look on all this as a valuable learning experience.

Someday.


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