Wow - it seems kind of strange to get back to journalling again after spending so much time :::shudder::: cleaning. At least the house is still clean (which is somewhat a minor miracle.)

I've spent a good deal of time painting - I'm working on one that is inspired by a photo that was taken at Defeated Creek. It's a view of the trees and a huge rock in the foreground. I am using nothing but a palette knife for it - we'll see how it turns out. I've also spent part of today teaching myself how to do a peyote stitch. I want to bead part of the antlers on my new staff and the only way I see that will work is to use the peyote. It's really not hard at all, once you figure out how to start. You have to figure out how many beads you will need to complete encircle the object and then take away half...or at least, in theory, that's how it's supposed to work. I've found that I have to improvise a bit, but it's working.

I want to continue yesterday's entry a bit. I especially want to write about some stuff that L. and I talked about Sunday. Some stuff really came out during our conversation - and some didn't but it still made me think. I haven't realized just how hurt I've been and how much I have shut down until lately. I think L. was right when she told me that my 'root' (chakra) has taken the brunt of it.

The Ren Fest was really fun but it also made me really uncomfortable to be around so many people - especially so many touchy-feely people. Everyone was so free and seemingly eager to get into your space. I understand about close-knit groups of people but geez...

One thought that caught me off guard and made me the most uneasy (and I don't even know why) was about sexuality - especially mine. We were sitting, watching the minstrals and 'gypsies' and the thought occurred to me: "What if these people knew that I am..." It frightened me. I don't know why but it did. I feel as if I am hiding in plain sight - and that I am the only person in the world that has these thoughts and feelings. It's ridiculous - I know quite a few people who feel as I do but I also know how most of the people around me feel about it (read: family). On the rare occasions when the topic comes up, it's always 'those people'. I am suddenly one of 'those people'.

People, I am afraid of myself. For myself and I don't know particularly why. I am afraid because I don't see anything wrong with being with another human, be they male or female. The container doesn't matter to me - it's what's in that container that is important.

I know that I have a lot more work to do on myself. I have to become more comfortable (read: accepting) with myself. I have to heal. Build. Connect with humanity again, even if it means - forgive me Lords above - 'forgetting' about spirituality for awhile. Goddess above, that's alot to do.