Moon Phase = Full tomorrowWeather =Fall weather is here -
Cool and rainy		Current reading = none
Quote: "An act of magic is when we're convinced we're experiencing something that doesn't fit into the conceptual reality we've all agreed on."
- Ted, from the short story 'The Invisibles' by Charles de Lint

November 3, 1998

Sheesh - I can't believe it's November already.

Today was 'catch - up' day. I added some pages to the MM Dreaming page, mostly four dream descriptions and a book list. I can't really do more until someone adds their own input to it. I also did some sketching and research on red foxes...I just felt the need to do that. I wonder if Fox is going to be coming into my life?

Last night's class was interesting - I'm sure that L. enjoyed the break. I was the focus of attention for nearly the whole class because I am so uncomfortable in it. E. asked me how those exercises had gone for me and I admitted that they were very uncomfortable for me. All it involved was this: I only had to rub my feet together and up a ways my calves. I did the same with my hands.

This class seems to have barely started and already, so much shit has come up. All these walls and uncertainties are rarin' right up in my face. I find that I can't even bring myself to talk about parts of it here. I suppose I'll just have to continue to write about it in my offline journal.

I got asked so many questions: do you enjoy sex? was it painful to do the exercise? did your parents talk about sex? Were they affectionately demonstrative in front of you? I only hope that one certain question doesn't come up...but of course, with my luck since I've even only alluded to it here - it's sure to come up now. lol...and no, I don't want to say what that question is - yet. I will say that it scares the hell out of me. I don't know why except that it could get me 'exiled' again, this time from family. Sometimes, I think that wouldn't be such a bad thing and other times, I wouldn't want it to happen. I'm estranged enough from my dad as it is.

Which reminds me - I have to write him back. I'm finding that I don't even have the slightest idea how to relate to him lately. Part of it has to do with those feelings that I worked through a few weeks ago about the horses and his archaic attitudes about me. Part of it has to do with the fact that we basically don't have a relationship. I don't know him. I don't understand why he's done certain things and made certain decisions in the past. I don't understand how it was so easy to choose a stranger over his own flesh and blood. For some reason lately, I've been remembering why I didn't go to his wedding. I was hurt that he didn't want me to be a bigger part of it - I was only supposed to be in charge of the guest register. Kathy (the woman who gives bitches everywhere a very bad name - and a quesy stomach) probably did that - it figures that she'd want me as far away from her as she could get me.

I'm tired of this silly, childish crap that has been between us for all these years. Thing is - sometimes, I feel like I'm the adult here. It's ridiculous. Kathy and her stupid attitude of 'I'm not going to play with you anymore'; Granny acting like I'm going to steal all her toys and...I don't know what's the deal with Daddy.

I really didn't mean to get started on all this tonight. It wasn't even on my mind when I started. Oh well - I suppose it needs to come out. I guess I'll go get started on that letter. Good night, Sweetie.

Non illegitimi te carborundum.



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