Moon Phase = Entered last quarter at
11:53 a.m.		Weather = Drizzly and still
Chilly!!! Yes!!!! 		Current reading = The Artist's Way - Julia Cameron
Week 4! still!
Quote:"Identity blurs on the Moon's road...In the pale light of the Moon I play the game of you. Whoever I am. Whoever you are. All sense of where I am, of who I an amd where I'm going, has been swallowed by the dark...And I walk through the stars and sky...A trinity of dreams beneath the Moon."
- "A Game of You", Neil Gaiman

December 10, 1998

This has been a productive day - I finally got the prelim sketch of the male done; put on the poster and paint on it. It needs several more layers of watercolor and the chakra points put in as well as the labels added but it is well ahead of where the first poster was when I first started it. I finally had to walk away from it when I started critiquing it - I can't afford to have that start on this wonderful poster. Hopefully, I'll be ready to put the heading on it by the time I print them on Saturday.

I've been thinking about what Z. told me last night. (Imagine that - me thinking! Wouldn't have figured it...lol) The key thing is to be completely honest with yourself. This is essential - that way, no one can manuever anything over on you and get the upper hand. There are other reasons as well - you know, the usual moral and ethical issues. This is the thing that I need right now, I suppose. There are a few issues and situations in my life that I have tried to convince myself are alright when in reality, they suck royally. No, scratch that - no one should have to put up with this shit.

Alright, granted - alot of it is of my own making. It usually is. However, I did not seek to solve problems by totally walking away and ignoring them. Nope. I did not run away. I am here. But I've said that before. This relationship, emotionally and sexually, has been a one-person affair for quite a while (do I even remember what sex is? lol). That is what I did not want to see. (Also granted, perhaps this is not what was meant by being honest - but one has to start somewhere.) I'm just now getting back my emotional reserves to some extent - it's a good thing that I've been out on the magickal sidelines for a while. I wouldn't have lasted two seconds. I'm also way out of practice if last Sunday was any indication.

I am so tired of having to either play hard-ball and be a tee-total bitch to get anything important done or just keep things to myself if I want to keep the peace. I'm also tired of things being done without my knowledge and/or involvement. I don't know if he even knows who and what I am anymore...but then again - I'm not sure I do either. (I have glimmers - and they are completely different than what I am now but isn't that why I'm going through the Artist's Way?)

Oh joy - I just realized that the entire last paragraph could be applied to either C.M. or my father. I hate patterns. I also hate having to 'get along' - isn't that one of my Declarations? It should be.

I hate being lonely.

Ah, damn. Time to move on. Move on - nothing to see here...:::cracking the whip::: Move along lil dodgies...lol. Question is - should I move on into a new phase of this relationship with C.M. or just move on out?

I hate dilemmas, too.

"The restroom door said Gentlemen so I just walked inside.
I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride.
I heard heard high voices, turned and found the place was occupied
by two nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse - what could be worse?"
- Bob Rivers, 'The Restroom Door Said, "Gentlemen".'

Ah...nothing like a little yule-tide 'sacriledge' to cheer a person up! I have to wonder though - just what is hiding so much that I have run in circles so much???? Why does this same shit come up time after time???

Don't answer that.


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