There has been an interesting discussion on one of my e-lists the last two days. One of the participants was asked if she could speak about her 'lifestyle' (I have to agree with several people on the list ~ I hate that word too.) She happens to be in a Dominant/Submissive relationship and she is the sub.

I have never had the opportunity to talk to someone like this before. It's pretty fascinating! I didn't know what to expect when the topic came up ~ all I knew from it was what I read in Anne Rice's Exit to Eden and the crap that I've had the misfortune of seeing on Jerry Springer (the book seems more realistic, actually...). This woman has covered some of the basics ~ what a dom, sub, top, bottom or switch are; how she and her husband participate without anyone (especially the kids) knowing, how she has grown during this relationship, etc.

Like I said, it is really interesting. I know that I wouldn't be able to live it 24/7. She actually has a steel collar, complete with padlock, that she wears when the kids aren't around for several hours. Otherwise, she says that she has several necklaces that take the place of the collar that she wears at all other times. Only she and her husband know what it means ~ to everyone else, it's just a necklace.

There are two things that strike me about what she has said so far: 1. the amount of trust that is involved in this relationship is incredible. It is very near implicit. Evidently, it has to be or someone would actually get hurt. Once the safe word is spoken, that's it ~ no whining, no arguing. Whatever is being done, stops. How often does that happen in our rather (as much as I hate the use of this word) 'vanilla' relationships?

She even explained why 'vanilla' is so often used in this context: Someone once said that with all the different flavors out there, why would anyone want to eat just vanilla?

The other thing (Yep, I remember that I said 2) that strikes me is this: 2. She said that in no uncertain terms, she knows exactly what she wants sexually and she knows how to communicate those desires. In no uncertain terms. Exactly what she wants. There is a certain power in that ~ and she is the first woman I have ever talked to that has said that. It is a bit scary to contemplate that but real power always is when it is unfamiliar.

I even went to Sexuality.org to research this topic more. There was even a section on Japanese bondage ~ evidently, get the knots placed just right and the more you move, the better the massage. Leave it to the Japanese to combine being tied up and massage! There are many links to articles on the whole BDSM subject, including the checklist that is used to alert potential doms/subs as to what a person can/will/won't do ~ and ratings from 0 to 5 on how much they like it!

I understand that this (ugh) lifestyle isn't for everyone ~ I certainly don't think that it is for me. Still, I think that there are a few things that can be learned from it. Trust. Communication. Learning exactly what a person wants and needs and not repressing it. Are those such terrible things?