I sent a complaint to Yahoo (who are starting to live up (down?) to the name) about the interruption in service on EGroups this week. I didn't get any mail at all on the 7th from any of my lists; the 8th on the Maidens list and none until yesterday on the journalcircle list. Watch them send back a 'sorry but it's not our problem ~ you must have messed up your settings' letter. If they do....grrrrrr....

I turned down my mother for our weekly whatever it is. I can't handle all this damned togetherness. I need my space to be myself and I feel that she wants to keep me in some fantasy version of her perfect daughter. Most of the time, I could care less about some damned old bowl from the 20s. I can't stand doing the same thing week after week after week after week. I am bored beyond tears. The more bored and/or depressed I get the happier she is. This has got to stop. Now ~ how do I do it without too much pain and humiliation?

I know what it is. It's this damned thing she has about her mother. My mom wants me to be her bestest friend since her mother was not the lovey dovey type. She also wants the perfect mother/daughter relationship but doesn't want to work on it. At all. She wants everything to be on an even keel even if that means ignoring any and all problems that crop up. That includes arguments. The last one we had, all that was said was 'I thought we were over that' and that was that, no matter how I tried to work on it. So. Any and all problems are considered non-existent. If this journal is any indication, that idea doesn't fly with me. I can't stand to bottle everything up and not deal with it.

Another problem is this ~ I'm more like my grandmother than I am her. I know this, it becomes more clear every day. I am not exactly the lovey dovey type either. It's made me wonder if depression can be inherited because she showed all the signs of it too. At one point, she was sleeping 20 hours a day and sitting in the living room, staring off into space for the remaining 4. Now you see why I was worried about my sleeping patterns a few days ago? I feel as if I have a history to work against sometimes.

For some reason, this is making me feel sad. I guess because I feel so bound up in all this when my mom refuses to let me go. She says that it's a mother thing. I say that every mother has to learn to let go and let the child be herself. Isn't this wonderful? I've got one parent who chose to walk out on me and another who is slowly suffocating me to death. As usual, after all this time, I am still caught in the damn middle.

I wonder if there is a Parent Protection Program?