There's a dream description at the end...
I had to do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do yesterday. I had to have Autolycus put to sleep. He was missing for several days and I finally found him underneath the house. He had feline leukemia and was so dehydrated that both the vet and I were amazed that he lived through the night. The poor guy's temperature didn't even register on the thermometer.
I know that it was the best thing to do for him. There were no guarantees that if treatment was started that he pull through them, let alone live for long afterward. Still, I feel guilty. I guess that's normal.
Aullie lived up to his namesake a little too well at times - I would have to be careful about where I sat the groceries down at because he would steal an entire loaf of bread and share it with Jean-Claude. He was also a charmer - he knew how to get what he wanted.
He was also a quiet cat. He had a very soft meow that he didn't use much, except perhaps at meal time. His purr was also quiet for the most part - yesterday, I found out that he also had a rich, deep purr that was so beautiful. I wish that I had heard more of it. It tore me apart knowing that I would probably only hear it once.
The night before I took him to the vet, I brought him into the house so that I would be able to find him. He slept next to me with his head on my arm for most of the night.
I wish I had more time with him. He was a good cat. Before they put him to sleep, I spent a few minutes with him. He was finally getting comfortable - they had him on a heating pad. I asked him, "Who's gonna teach Jean-Claude to steal bread?" I thanked him for choosing to live with me. I thanked him...just because.
I buried him out next the tree stump that he liked to sit on so much. I scattered some sweet william and bellflower seeds over the top of the spot. It felt so strange, so incomplete. I didn't realize that I could be there with him while they administered the shot. I guess that's why it bothers me so - I didn't get to be there as he left. He must of been ready to leave - I didn't have to coax him to go home. He did come by later - healthy again and in good spirits (pardon the pun). I was glad for that. He is welcome here anytime he wishes.
Goodbye, Aullie. I miss you but I'll see you on the other side. Be careful and don't steal too much bread.
The Dream
I am in a mobile home. It has the same layout as the one that T.J. lived in when I was a child. There are several people here - none of whom I know in the waking world but they are family in this dream.
It is late at night and most everyone is getting read to go to bed. I am getting ready to work - on what I don't know. it's either a drawing or a piece of writing. I am in the room that used to be D.'s in old trailer - first room on the right off the hallway that branched off the living room. I have two t.v.s in here with me - one for the picture and one for the sound since neither can do both. I am arranging when panic goes through the whole house. "He's back!" I hear one frightened person yell.
I begin to quickly do some spells - mostly the type to keep this person away from me. I am not scared. I am caught unsuspecting but I am not scared. He goes to the bedroom at the end of the hall first, where a young man is sleeping then he comes to mine.
It is my uncle. The one who died when I was 12. He still has that smug "I can do anything I want and you can't do shit" attitude. He sits down on the bed, expecting me to fall into the old routine but I don't. I continue what I was doing. I rip up a piece of paper and he says, "You can't kill me." (still using that godawful tone) and he locks the door.
I decide to leave. I walk over to the door and test the knob to see if it's really locked. He doesn't think that I know his (dream) trick of using a secret button to lock/unlock the door but I do. I use it and he is amazed. I look at him and say, "What? You didn't think that I have a brain?"
I walk out.
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