Well, if there is anyone out there who is (was?) reading this journal - I apologize. I sincerely didn't mean to let so much time go by. For some reason, I had the overwhelming feeling that I was just going over and over the same old subjects again and again. I was beginning to have a serious case of burnout. Now that I have read over the last several entries, I realize that it wasn't true.

Damn.

Lately, I've been talking to my dad again. The more I talk to him, the more I wonder what planet he's truly from (I'm fairly sure it isn't one from this solar system). The man infuriates me to no end - and some of it has nothing to do with the present day situation between us.

You see, my dad hasn't exactly always been there for me - in fact, you can say that he effectively abandoned me and my mom. When he remarried, I got pushed even further into the background. It's a situation that I've never really dealt with, even though I thought I had.

It's easy to deal with a situation like this when there's no contact with the person involved. 'Out of sight, out of mind' so to speak. So here I am, 30 years old, and suddenly he wants to be buddy - buddy, as if nothing has happened between us and the situation wallops me upside the head like a medicine ball (remember those from gym class? heavy suckers) filled with cement.

I don't understand how he can do it. I have not lived with my dad since about 1974, when we moved into an apartment after a tornado destroyed the trailer we were living in (BTW, what they say about tornadoes and trailers appears to be true. LOL). My parents separated not long after that. I had the usual weekend with him every two weeks but when I grew up, it all went to pot. There have been many, many instances where months have gone by without contact and at least once, a year.

He doesn't understand how much I hurt because of this situation. Truth be told, it was much easier to deal with when he was off in his new life. Out of sight, out of mind. Like I mentioned, he remarried. He married a woman who had a son who was a few years older than me - instant family. He married a woman who made no secret of how she felt about me and my mom - and she had never even met my mom. So many times I've wondered how he could choose a stranger over me - especially one who hated me so much. I've wondered how he could just walk away from me and expect me to act like nothing was wrong on the occasions when he showed up again.

That's where I'm at now. He wants me to be a partner in the horse farm - yet he goes about his business as usual and again, I'm in the background somewhere. Our latest argument was over just that - I told him that I didn't understand why he was even bothering to ask my opinion since I felt he was just going to go about, doing what he wanted anyway. His idea of 'partner' is 'in name only', I feel. After all, I'm not really a part of his life. I'm only an occasional acqaintance. Usually, you know, when you air your differences, you generally feel better afterwards. This was the first time I've ever had an argument and felt entirely worse instead. It brought on a bad bout of depression but I caught it...after about a day and a half. (I'm getting better - before, it would have lasted days or maybe weeks.)

Yep. That planet he's from must be a cold, cold place.