Weather = partly sunny, hazy and muggy. Humidity - go away!
Current books =Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg Medicine Dream by Merilynn Tunneshende
June 11, 1998
Well - the situation continues with C.M. When I came back from class the other night, he told me that the doctor gave him a subscription for Tagamet to try for a few days. So much for all the 'ooo spooky scary' stories of liver disease.
I don't even have words for how I feel on this subject. That's been happening a lot lately - the chatterbox is at a loss for words. lol. Still, this situation has me at a loss. I just don't like being cast aside like I don't matter. I don't understand why I'm not defended, at least on the point of 'first asked'...especially since I'm not getting the opportunity to defend myself.
I don't know why I'm surprised...granted, in the last few years, this relationship has been rocky. I've been tempted to leave many a time but I didn't. Perhaps I've been misguided but I thought I had a chance of saving this damn thing - not in the 'I can change him' scenario but by saying, "O.k., here we are; changes and everything. Can we work with this?" I feel like I've tried nearly everything. The more I let my feelings be known, the more he's clam(m?)ed up. I have no idea how he feels about much of anything - all the gods light and dark could walk into his office at noon and I don't think he'd tell me about it. Only way I can think of it is this: he wanted Eve and got Lilith, with about the same results (read the chapter on Lilith in Demetra George's Mysteries of the Dark Moon).
Don't get me wrong - it's not totally bad. There are still times when we can forget everything and just have fun being in each other's company. Still, I'm not willing to put on a big act and 'change' in order to please anyone else. This Wolf is not going to turn into a poodle.
On a brighter note: After thinking (hoping maybe?) for so long that this was a figment of my imagination, there's been another bit of verification for something that I've 'seen'. It would seem that it was a past-life memory. Two years ago when I met someone who quickly became a friend, I had a vision of us dancing in a garden. We were on the path next to a large; ornate multi-tiered fountain and there were roses and many other plants I coundn't even name everywhere. We were 'reversed' - I was in a black suit with tails and he was in a soft, flowing evening gown. He still had that flaming red hair, though. I found a very close replica of the fountain in the Design Toscano catalog. Now I want that replica in my yard. lol.
Midi: The Mamas and Papas' "California Dreaming" Mega 60's midis