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Moon Phase = Sliver | Weather = humid, Hot enough to
pop corn on the cob | Current Book = Lucid Dreaming in 30 Days - Dr. Keith Harary and Pamela Weintraub
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June 26, 1998
Ra goes regally to his nightly duel with Apep and the Maiden Moon blushes as she follows after him, like a young girl after her first crush.
As the wav file says when I start up Windows, "Ah...another day, another defilement."
Want to see what my mind gets like when it's allowed to go wild? Until today, I hadn't heard from the person in question for three days and the messages that were sent to the pager didn't come through. My mind got creative. I wrote this earlier today, before things got straightened out. I thought about not putting this out - but I want a reminder of this. Show my colors, I say - even the whiney and ugly ones. (I would say dark...but I haven't touched on the dark yet.)
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I hate to sound whiney, even to myself. This entry could possibly be nothing but.
I have spent the last 3 days alone. I was going to go to Defeated on Wednesday but didn't because I hadn't heard anything about the 'situation' - I thought I was supposed to take C.M. to the doctor but I've heard nothing but silence...this is getting absolutely ridiculous.
I don't know what to think now...I make these people sound absolutely horrible - I suppose it's just my perspective. I know that C.M. isn't horrible but I just can't stand the way this is going. I don't think that I'm horrible - not anymore. I try stand up for myself. If that makes me horrible, then so be it. I do feel like the unwanted stepchild (which I totally am in another case but in that situation, it couldn't bother me less).
I'm tired of all this damned uncertainty, the silence, the doubt, the anger. I suppose that I was naive for believing that he'd take care of me - even though the very thought infuriated me. I've given this relationship 14 years of my life. I don't know much else.
Alright damn it, this crap is going to end. I don't know how, but it is. I don't want to lose this relationship, I really don't. One could say that I already have.
Oh hell, I don't know what I want.
I said a few days ago that the illusions and deceptions were falling away. This is one that I wish (in a way) had stayed in place. Everything was o.k. then. I suppose that everything will be o.k. again but for right now, everything is pretty damned uncertain...or is it all in my head?
I take it back, I do know what I want. I am an artist. Goddess gave me this gift and I want to use it. I want to go to workshops. I want to learn to finally control watercolors. I want to go back to making my art power objects.
So mote it be.
Sitting here, thinking, and I just realized something. I realized that I seem to be angry at just about everyone - except those that I see in class. I wonder if that means what I think it means? Julia Cameron says that anger is a pointer on a roadmap - it points to those things that isn't right. Class is the only place lately where I can be me with impunity - artist, seeker, spirit. Oh boy. I'm stopping there before any more revelations pop out.
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Scary, huh? What's actually scary is this: there's still a bit of truth in it...but it's not all that bad.
I decided to pamper myself today before I came...home? To the house? (I still have problems with that - that's later entry. Perhaps tomorrow.) I stopped at Bookstar and found Charles deLint's Into the Green. I love his work, even though I've only read one other of his books - Memory and Dream (How could I not? It's about a woman who is able to bring her paintings to life.) I also stopped at Michael's and stocked up on Prismacolors - I usually get the darker colors like Tuscan Red, Terra Cotta, Indigo - tonight I got Sunburst Yellow, Canary Yellow, and Orange. I didn't completely break with character. I did get more Terra Cotta, Ultramarine and my absolute favorite Prismacolor of all - Copenhagen Blue. The pampering came in when I let myself get the really big, better quality than usual drawing paper (I usually just stick to 9x12 or 11xwhatever it is) Yay! Such possibilities for masterpieces and objects d'power! More pampering came when I stopped at Fortune House and ordered the Sweet and Sour Shrimp. Gods, I had forgotten how good it was!
Lilith is living up to her name - she is demanding attention, and probably more food. (I keep telling her that she needs to adopt a different meow for each so I can tell what she wants.) I'm going to pay some attention to her, so she can drop the 'oh poor pitiful me- I'm a lonely, starved cat' routine.
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