Moon Phase = waning somewhere
'round half, I expect.		Weather = cool with
chance for fog. Yay!		Current books = Firebird - Mercedes Lackey

July 16, 1998

Today was quiet - after the thunderstorms went through. This mornings' dreams were forgotten when a thunderclap sounded right over the house again. At least this time, I didn't feel as if 'they' were after me. I just got the crap jolted out of me. lol. Hmmm...tonight's ramble is something I thought I had dealt with. I suppose it's just time to re-evaluate. Perhaps it just came up because I watched Stephen King's The Stand again...or it's because of the Lilith painting I'm working on...or both...or perhaps I just don't have anything better to do at the moment...

As a Witch, I don't really believe in Heaven or Hell. Growing up in what I'd call a 'religiously paranoid' household though, it's kind of hard to shake the idea of damnation just because of a thought or behavior that isn't accepted by the 'mainstream'. Good and Evil? Maybe. I've seen some things in the past that could fall under the classification of 'Evil' (notice the capital 'E') but then - I don't know. Light and Dark? Ah....now this, I know a bit about. Even my Native name reflects my travels betwixt the two. (thought I was going to tell you what it is - didn't you?)

Until recently, though, I've avoided dealing with the darkness within myself. Part entries show this - my battle with overeating; the melancholy tone of quite a number of entries, the avoidance and disownment of thoughts not considered 'kosher' (note how I completely refuted the anger in the June 26 entry) I've even literally tried to squelch the feminine part of myself - a big job, considering that I was born female. (I suppose I should thank Cyrus for that. Without it, I wouldn't have had the impetus to start on the journey of rediscovering myself. I don't think I'll give him the satisfaction, though - the man thinks he's a legend in his own pants already. Men.)

In not dealing with this stuff, I have to admit that I have gotten along better with my mother - it would seem that she has chosen to completely not deal with her anger and darkness and would prefer me not to. I don't have the leisure of that choice, though. Not anymore. If it causes a rift in our relationship, so be it. It would seem that the dark Goddess Lilith has walked into my life and it is time to deal with my own darkness.

I've had a great deal of time getting familiar with the dark parts of myself. Anger. Jealousy. Rage (and no, it's not the same as anger). Hate. Like Lilith in her flight from Eden, I have felt betrayed; wounded, and very, very, revengeful. (A very well written chapter about Lilith is in Demetra George's Mysteries of the Dark Moon) Even today, I can still hear the call for revenge - only now, instead of killing I could be satisfied with a very thorough job of maiming in key strategic areas. (Honestly, I hadn't intended this entry to be a treatise on the joys of bloodlust but I suppose it's appropriate considering the topic.)

I considered, at one point, just chucking (or should I say, turning it about 180 degrees?) all my 'learning' up to that point and following a considerably darker path. It may have even crossed the line from darkness to...what? I don't think it would have been true Evil. It would have certainly gotten me the satisfaction of revenge. It probably would have gotten me even more power than I have now. I'd probably have everything I want - except true happiness and quite possibly my soul. Even now, I consider myself to be on the 'fringes' of the Light - standing in the blurred shadows where the darkness and light meet. I've tried to deny it; to suppress it and just stand in the light but it cannot be done. It's not my place to stand there, yet. I've failed miserably when I did plus - I was a little bit bored too. (lol.)

Yep, I think Lilith;, handmaiden to Inanna, Adam's Equal and goddess in her own right is here to stay awhile...and that's not a bad thing at all. This could be great fun. lol.

Midi: REM's "Losing My Religion"
LooneyVerse Midis

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