Moon Phase = Waning toward GibbousWeather = alternately sunny
and rainy		Current books =None
Quote: "What makes magic magic is the fact that all the answers are...'yes'."
- from 'The Art of Magic' on PBS

August 12, 1998

I've got to hang on to that qoute. It's true. I know it is.

Deeply Buried Dreams

I'll be the first to admit that I haven't added any new entries because I just didn't feel like sitting down at the damned computer. I have written some in my offline journal - the last two times I wrote in it, I just wrote and wrote and wrote...I think one time I ended up with 4 pages (8.5 x 11) and the second time I ended up with 3. That's alot of writing for someone whose writing isn't very large at all.

Another reason I haven't written is this sense of desparation again. Perhaps I should have sit down and tried to work my way through it. It's tough for me to even admit that there's a problem. It's just the way I was raised - smile and pretend everything's alright because no one wants to see anger or sadness. Keep it all inside.

I feel like all I've ever known is just falling apart. Actually, it's more like my life fell apart and was buried long ago and I'm just now missing it. My whole life at one time was centered around music, art and horses but now all I have are some cats (which I love), and a house, not of my choosing, that I can't take care of. Where did it all go?

(I am hesitant to type all this and scatter it all over the web but I feel that I don't have any other way to express it. There's no one I can talk to. I tried talking to my mother and I just ended up angry because I got the exact same speech that her mother delivered when she and my dad divorced. Others I've gotten pity from. I can't stand pity.)

I keep saying that I don't want to lose this relationship. Sometimes, I wonder why. I suppose it's the history behind it. It began when I was fourteen years old and he was sixteen. Things were good. We formed a band that really wasn't much of one (the bass player didn't want to play anything but 'Iron Man' and the musical arrangements kept changing as son as we'd get close to having them down pat) but it was fun.

He graduated, went to college and discovered computers. I later graduated, went to college and discovered near complete boredom. The band disentegrated.

I really miss playing my guitar and being part of a band. Gods, I really do - if these tears are any indication. I hadn't thought about any of this in years. I bought myself a B.C. Rich as a graduation present - brand new, never even broken in. I still have it, somewhere.

I think it's high time I bring out my beautiful ultraviolet guitar and remember how to play it. Perhaps I'll never be on the level I once dreamed of - Steve Vai or the like - but maybe, just maybe I'll be able to catch back up to C.C. Deville and Paul Stanley...who knew that this wonderful dream was lurking way down deep and couldn't get out? Suddenly, the desparation and glooms lifts...and I just dated myself with those references.

I think it's high time glam came back, anyway.




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