August 31, 2000

Quote of the day:
"I think you hurt him! Hit him again and make sure!"
    -'Bobby Hill', King of the Hill

O.k...time to do something about this. It's time for another letter ~ but this time, it needs to be sent.

I just got off the phone with my dad. I feel as if I've crossed some invisible line somewhere ~ he's not even trying to keep up the pretense of including me in anything anymore. It's always 'me'; 'me', 'I'...or the Heir Apparent to Hell and her demonspawn. I wonder why he even bothers to call me sometimes, other than he may think that it's the right thing to do.

He had to tell me about the demonspawn's bout of Bell's palsy. I couldn't find enough within me to even attempt to feign interest, let alone compassion. As far as I'm concerned, it's karma. It is what he gets for what he's done in the past...that what's he gets for trying to begin a incestuous relationship all those years ago. It's the least that he deserves ~ but it's not my place to put such a judgement on the demonspawn or anyone else.

I suppose my dad does love me, in some fashion. I don't know what that fashion is.

I suppose that if this letter is going to be written, I should quit playing with which font looks best, hmmm?













The Letter II

Dear Dad ~

I hesitate to write this. I find that I don't want to rock the boat anymore than I feel that it has been. Still, I don't want to go on anymore without trying to resolve a few things for myself ~ or at least attempting to. There's a few things that we've never talked about and I think it's time we did.

First off, let me say that you are my dad and I love you because (despite?) that. That doesn't mean, however, that I understand you or what you do. Far from it ~ sometimes I don't understand at all. I mean, here I am 30 years old and still dealing with the same feelings that I had when I was 12. Even with the eyes and heart of an adult, I still don't understand.

I appreciate you wanting me to be a part of the horse farm. I really do. At the same time, it confuses the hell out of me ~ why now and just what exactly is it you want from me? Behind that question is a ton of other questions and a world of hurt. I ask 'why now?' because it seems that you have worked so hard to keep me out of your life for the longest time. I vacillate between feeling that I am either a casual acqaintance or the step child that no one wanted. Too many times, since I was a kid, I've asked myself, "Am I that much of a disappointment? Do I remind you of a past you'd rather just forget? Did you want a boy instead of a girl? Am I not good enough or do I just scare you?"

Like I've said ~ I've asked myself these questions too many times. I guess it's time I told you why I didn't want to be a part of your wedding ~ I felt, although I was somewhat included in the events by staffing the guest book, that I wasn't really wanted and kept as far away as possible. It's a feeling that has persisted since. Since no one ever bothered to ask me why I was so upset at this past Christmas' supper (and no, it wasn't because I've gained so much weight. Granny really should quit spreading lies about me ~ but that's between me and her.), I will tell you now that it was because of these exact same feelings. I felt like an unwanted stranger and outsider while the Heir Apparent to Hell and her Demonspawn were greeted with open arms.

...and so we get to the subject that we've never really talked about.

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