Moon Phase = waning somewhere toward newWeather = Cloudy...but no rain. It's been nearly four weeks.Current books = none
Quote: "I think...therefore you are."
- Boomhower, from King of the Hill

September 17, 1998

This is turning out to be an interesting time - in the past week, I've made, what, two entries? Oh well.

I've put in some work on those posters that Elizabeth wants - I keep finding myself wriggling out of working on them. I called her today to make sure that she wanted the figures anatomically correct; knowing full well that she did. I haven't ferreted out all the reasons for this, yet. Part of it is 'performance anxiety' - you know, that fear that it'll be a dismal failure. I suppose part of that stems from the fact that these posters are going to be...clinical. It's not that I have anything against the human body - I just feel that I'm going to get something really wrong. One testicle monstrously small or something. Ehhh....stupid stuff. I got the most work done this afternoon, though, when I put in the pow wow dance tapes...how could you not with those driving drumbeats?

I ended up watching, of all things, Oprah. She had John Gray on the show. What he had to say about achieving personal success made sense. He said that there were only really only four healing emotions - anger, sadness, fear and sorrow. He also pointed out that when we feel these, we usually tag it as something else:
AngerSadnessFearSorrow
BlameDepressionAnxietyGuilt
ResentmentHelplessnessDoubtSelf-pity
HateIndifferenceJealousy
I never could make out the last one under sorrow...oh well. He said that if you can journal about it and let the process work itself through - you can get to the root problem. You may have to cycle through all the emotions (I ended up doing that!) but it can be done. Just ask, 'why am I {angry, sad, afraid, sorry}?'

I also got around to cleaning the living room tonight - it was awful. I did some moving while I was at it - now there seems to be plenty of space in there.

I know what C.M.'s going to say next time he sees it. He's going to make some god awful joke about 'If I knew that it would take me moving out for you to clean the house, I would have done it way sooner....' Well, I didn't do it for him. I did it because I needed the open space. I have been in this house for nearly three years but I haven't lived in it. I didn't want to, truth be told. Everything was still where either the previous owners or he put it. It's hard to be someplace that doesn't feel like it's yours. I think that's one of the things that's really bothered me - I tried talking to C.M. about this place the other day and he told me, "It's your house." to which I replied, "but it's yours too. You should add some of your own 'touches' to it." The next thing he said just stopped me: "I have none to add to it. As far as I'm concerned, it's your house." That's what bothers me so much: he knew that it was (and is) my dream to have a cabin. He took that info, without asking without the rest of the info and stuck me here. Yes, it's a cabin. But it's not off the main roads; deep in the woods, next to 'living' water, or away from the prying eyes of neighbors. I should be grateful. I should be happy. But it doesn't feel like my house. I didn't hunt for it. I didn't negotiate for it. I didn't buy it. I didn't do anything for it. It was just handed to me and I am expected to be happy about it.

Ah, hell. Here I go again. I'm pretty heavily into blaming and resentment there, aren't I? Well, I keep saying that it's time to do something about it...so when am I?


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