Moon Phase = waning somewhere toward newWeather = Is that thunder??? Could the
nearly four weeks of no rain end?? 		Current books = none
Quote: "In a dark time, the eye begins to see."
- Theodore Roethke

September 18, 1998

I'm up early this morning...I'll decide whether that's a good thing or not later.

Daryl AnCarlo has an interesting radio show this today. The more I listen to him, I like him. He has two men and a woman in the studio and he's asking them questions about what it is to be gay - and it's a positive show. It's about damn time somebody did that.

They just talked about what it was like growing up and whether or not they knew they were gay. They talked about how they usually felt 'safe' around the opposite sex - because of the lack of sexual tension. I immediately thought of T.H...

(Oh lord...here goes more soul purging....I know the reason for this journal is healing but damn, it's uncomfortable...VampireKitty is also vying for attention - a good diversion. Click here if you want to get on with reading about some plans I've come up with...in other words, if you want to read about the future and are as tired of the past as I am.)

I met him while I was working in a local bookstore and we started hanging out together. We were both interested in witchcraft and magick and we discovered it in vastly differently ways. He claimed to have remembered much of what he knew from other lives. I grew up woodswalking, talking to the trees and pretty much being a woodspite. I read an article about the rebirth of witchcraft in Fate magazine when I was 17 and thought to myself, '...so I'm not alone!'

In the beginning, Auntie always proclaimed loud and clear that he was unequivocally gay. (Did you get the point? lol) I'll admit it, I felt really safe around him because of the complete lack of sexual tension in the relationship. I could be myself without having to 'hide' certain parts of myself. As time went on and I really got to know Auntie, I got to see parts of him that I don't know if anyone else has ever seen. We would take long winding drives late at night and just talk. We'd talk about fears; hopes, life...I think that he felt as comfortable with me as I did with him. I hope so.

Perhaps that's part of the reason why things went awry - we got past each other's walls and barriers to the true people underneath. I don't know. Then again, perhaps it just happened. I just know that I made mistakes. I wish I didn't, but I did. I would tell him that I'm sorry for some of the things I did but I know he wouldn't listen...or go yelling to everyone about how he was right and I finally admitted it. So be it.

I just know that one day that Auntie announced to me that he wanted to marry me. I couldn't comprehend that concept. I mean, this was the closest thing I had to a brother...and he wanted to marry me?? Why did I feel like I just stumbled into the Twilight Zone? His reasoning was that I was the 'butchest' person he knew and I understood him. That left me scratching my head...

Here's where the mistakes came in. I know that for a little while, I was in love with the idea of love. I couldn't love him the way he wanted me to, although I tried. Stupid of me, I know. I went on a complete different track after a while - I convinced myself that he had to be bluffing. I was determined to call that bluff.

Sometimes, I catch myself wondering how he is. I do miss him. I don't feel the need to put up with a bunch of self-serving bullshit ike how I'm now emotionally weak and need help and protection. So...I suppose I'll just let him float on his merry way and not try to find out how he is. Nor am I not taking all the blame for what went wrong with the friendship but I will own up to my mistakes. That's all I can do.

HERE BEGINS THE FUTURE...

I think that I will email both Hampton Roads and Llewellyn (is that right?? I know there's a y in there somewhere) to see what their portfolio policies are. In the Artist Market, Llewellyn said that portfolios can be sent but also went on to say that appointments can be made for showings...does this mean that you can send your portfolio but have to make a trip up to speak with them?? I suppose we'll see. I know that Mary SummerRain seems to find her own artists for her books so I don't know what HR's policy is - I've also never seen it listed anywhere.

Perhaps there's some deep, hidden meaning here but I've discovered a love a black and white ink illustration.

Later, 9 p.m. -

Sheesh - talk about synchronicity...I just got off the phone with M. and she mentioned that the bunch at SHA would love to have me on the communications committee - doing illustrations for the brochures and such. Perhaps even doing something for the website when it's up and running. Wow! I love it! We ended up talking for nearly two hours about just about everything - including how this relationship between C.M. and me is going. She told me a bit about some of her experiences and it sounded so familiar...I think things are finally starting to fall into place - bit by teensy; tiny, agonizingly small bit. lol.

By the way - it did rain, but not enough for the plants to get nourished.


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