Moon Phase = waning toward gibbousWeather =upper 30's at the moment...
and frost!		Current reading = none
Quote: "What power would hell have if those here imprisoned were not able to dream of heaven?"
- The Sandman

November 6, 1998

Dang - it's getting cold. It's always this way - anticipating the comfort of the cool and cold months and when that first blast comes, it always catches me unawares. Frost had already formed on the grass and car by when I went out at 10. Under the moonlight, it looks like millions of tiny diamonds sparkling everywhere. The cold brings out the goofy in the Sea of Felinity also. Ollie, Lilith, Jean-Claude, Ashe and Vamp were running all over the place and playing - climbing trees; ambushing dry leaves and each other, and such. Kitt, the ever sensible one, stayed in the house to snooze in front of the heater.

An interesting thing has popped up in my work with The Artist's Way. Rereading through chapter two, I ran across this snippet:

"...We could fantasize about art unstead of doing the work. By not asking the Great Creator's help with our creativity, and by not seeing the Great Creator's hand in our creativity, we could proceed to rightously ignore our creativity and never have to take the risks of fulfilling it...

This struck home with me. This is essentially what I have been doing - and have been resisting changing this pattern. I have big ideas and fantasies for what I want to do but I run into trouble by trying to make them real. I choke. I get to thinking that I can't be so arrogant to show off what exactly I can do - and therefore put people down just by being good at what I do. (hmmm...looks like a blurt just snuck in there...)

I can remember so many times where I would be told that I was 'gettin' just a little too big for my britches' and that I 'thought that I was just better than everyone else'. Funny, I hadn't thought about that in years...nearly every time someone asked a question and I had the answer to it, I was told that I shouldn't make people feel bad by making them look stupid. I supposed this was supposed to mean that kids shouldn't be telling the adults things like that.

It's funny what things adults will tell a kid...

That is, though, exactly the root of the problem...or one of them. I have these dreams: a studio in the space that used to be Mr. McMurtry's law office (I can remember going in there when I was a kid - that guy was in his late 50's or early sixties, always wearing a grey three piece and hitting on every lady that walked in - or so my mom says about that last part. I remember all the toys he had sitting around his office that could very conceivably been from his own childhood and the very thick layer of dust that covered everything. It was a very cool office.) and Kitt having his own kingdom to rule all by himself again. I can see him sitting in one of the windows that...what is it called? Instead of a sill, they actually have a space that you could sit in if you wanted...anyway, I can see him watching over the square. I want a '66 Mustang that I've restored to 'cherry' with my own hands. I want a motorcycle...the point is - the problem is that blurt that just showed itself. The thinking behind it is that if I have these things, then I must be 'better' than everyone else - therefore arrogantly showing them up. Oh boy. Why can't I have simple blurts to deal with??

Momma and I were evidently on the same wavelength today - and the same thing happened with E., also. I had been up for about 45 minutes when I remembered that I had forgotten to leave E. my pager number last night. When I called her, she said she was about to call me - because she had been busy all morning and had just finished up. After that, I hopped in the shower so I could head over to my mom's house...and she knocked on the door just as I was getting out. I hadn't mentioned anything about coming over to see her - she just said that she that she just decided to see me. Neat - cool psi stuff is happening again!

We went basically just driving around and seeing the sights. We went into this new store called 'Aunt Tillie's'. Momma liked all the dolls they had for sell - I liked Jake, the store cat. He was a big ol' orange tabby. Jake followed us everywhere after I introduced myself to him and let him sniff my hand. I think he liked the fact that we were perfectly happy to let him be instead of constantly trying to pet him. Quite a few kids came in while we were there and kept wanting to do just that - he couldn't get much peace until he went upstairs with us.

We also went up to Franklin Ky. to look around. We ended up going to one of the last small Wal-Marts (for a little while longer, anyway - they're going to throw up one of those disgusting superstores soon) and looking around. We tried the new (to us) Salsa Verde flavor of Doritos and about burned to death - I loved them. We stopped in Portland at the Mapco that has the Blimpie's...the woman working in there tonight was determined to save us money by giving us the special instead of what we wanted. I wanted the 6" tuna combo because I had a coupon for it and she tried to just sell me the sandwich alone because that was the special today. We had a great time straightening that out - especially since I had witnesses that heard me say that I wanted the combo. Ah - food service. Not a job I miss at all.

We spend some time talking about the situation between me and my dad - and the changes that have occurred with my feelings toward the whole damn mess. The only way I could explain how I feel is that I feel that I am...so far ahead, emotionally at least, of him that it is hard for me to talk to him. It is hard to 'gear down', so to speak. I think that is one fantasy that has finally seen the light of day and has been transmuted - for the longest time, I held on to the thought (hope?) that he would wake up, see me for what I am and finally treat me as his daughter should be treated - not as the step child/acqaintance. Now, I see that the only person I can truly be responsible for is myself - and if that's the way he wants to be, then it's his loss. I will not 'gear down' anymore - he can either catch up with me or go on with whatever that is that he calls life.

You know what? (Images of the Vancome Lady suddenly appear in my head...) It's getting colder. While the computer is probably very happy at this turn of events, I think that I will go get in front of the heater for a while and visit with Kitt. Good night, Sweetie.


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