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Moon Phase = waning half | Weather =Getting chilly...and clear! | Current reading = none | Latest Movie = Beloved
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Quote: "I ain't goin' nowhere 'cause I am here!"
- Beloved
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November 10, 1998
This feels like it may be a tough entry to write...I've been pretty reluctant to commit my thoughts to anything permanent lately. Isn't that funny, after having this online journal for so long? Part of it stems from the Sexuality and Soul Awareness class - all kinds of resistance is being found when it comes to talking about myself and my experiences. I feel that for some reason whatever I say will come back to haunt me...oh well - I'll just have to try and make it like that Zima commercial where the dog bites that guy on the butt and freezes...lol
I saw T.H. today. (hehehe! I just noticed that I said that I was a woodspite in that entry - don't ya just love freudian slips) Momma and I stopped at Wendy's to get lunch - and there he was, working. I was half-way expecting trouble, especially since we didn't part on the best (HA!) of terms. He asked me the usual questions - how was I and such but there was absolutely none of the bitterness in his voice. The bond between us seemed to still be there and I sensed nothing but good things. I thought that if I ever saw him again, I would feel nothing but the rage that I harbored for so long but I felt something else.
I miss that son-of-a-bitch. After all this time, I still miss his friendship. While we were there, I was tempted to say more to him or even give him the pager number but I didn't - I just don't want to risk creating the same situation all over again. Still, after two years I still miss everything that is good about him. I wish, in some ways, that I had never seen him today but I am glad that he is well. It would appear that he hasn't changed much if he is still bouncing from one fast food joint to another. Still...the whole thing left me kind of melancholy. It reminded me how lonely I am at times.
Beloved was pretty good - although I didn't know what to expect after all the hype that Oprah gave the damn thing. While the ghost was running rampant at the beginning, I couldn't help but think, "Somebody needs to get a hold of that ghost and teach it a lesson!" "Geez! What level is it when knives fly, furniture moves all over the place and the floorboards buckle? Five? Isn't that the 'get-the-hell-out-and-run-for-your-life-forget-about-
biscuits-in-the-oven-'cause-the-damn-ghost-can-have-them' level?" "Somebody needs to show them how to shield against that kind of thing..." I had a running commentary about that whole situation - it's good to see that my 'learnin'' is still there.
In a way, as in how I feel about my art right now, I could empathize with Sethe and Beloved very well. Like Sethe, I am loathe to let my 'children' (my creative efforts) out of the 'yard' to be seen by the world - I want to keep them safe from the demons of the past that could show up at any time. Never mind how they feel about the whole thing, as long as they're safe is all that matters - even if it means sending them back to the god that gifted me with them in the first place. If they aren't on paper (born) then they can't be hurt or stolen.
Sometimes, though, even the children thought to be long dead prove otherwise. They scream and fuss and generally make life hell. They go through your head continuously and demand attention and answers as to why they were abandoned all that time ago. Ignored long enough, they can take on quite a poltergeist - like quality inside your head and you become a shell of yourself.
I am working on letting my 'children' out. I have to trust that they will be alright and taken care of. I can't protect them by keeping them from the world. I only end up hurting myself.
The one part of the movie that absolutely gave me goosebumps and I felt all over was when all the women of the town got together, marched to Sethe's house and started singing. When I hear spirituals sung like that I can feel the power in them and when they're sung with absolute faith behind them, there is nothing like it.
On that note (pun intended), I am going to end this entry. I am tired - Goodnight, Sweetie.
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