Moon Phase = um...I've lost track againWeather =60's and clear
- at 3:30 a.m.		Current reading = The Artist's Way - Julia Cameron
Beginning Week 3!		Last Leonid meteor count = 2 (2 - 2:30 a.m)
(Hey, I was tired...)

November 19, 1998

Now the skeptism kicks in about journalling and working through The Artist's Way. I've been fighting this urge to just throw all this journalling tripe away and say the hell with it for about a week and a half now. I feel too exposed at times; too silly, too wierd...too spiritual of all things...I just want to run away from it all and hide.

One thing that is so unsettling is all these feelings that are coming up. Granted, part of them are coming from the Sexuality and Soul Awareness class (sheesh - leave it up to me to try to speed up connecting to my soul by doing two or three systems at once! lol) but the fact that any feelings are coming up at all is unsettling. Give me numbness - just a little? These long forgotten authentic feelings are uncomfortable...

I suppose that is the reason for doing them in the first place - to find all these feelings and such and pull them into the light...screaming and kicking and digging in for the long haul...:::imagine all these small voices screaming NooooOOOOOoooOOOOOoooOoOOOoooo:::

I know that E. would just say that it's what's supposed to happen - that all the learning happens in the valleys and not on the mountaintops, where we tend to be dazzled by the view but dammit, I want to learn in comfort for once! I WANT MY MOUNTAINTOP!!!!!

I did have an interesting chat on Delphi tonight. I got booted off the ICQ -I really wanted to stay in Ceilede's chat. It was so interesting! She went back to the beginnings of Paganism - so I joined the 'Let's Talk About Wicca' chat (why does that sound like a day-time talk show to me?) There were quite a few beginners and others who were genuinely curious and asking questions, including one guy who actually asked, "Do Witches 'make love' like mortals?" I never laughed so hard in my life!

It's interesting that the next chapter in The Artist's Way is, in part, about anger. I seem to be going right along with the book because a great wave of anger has come up this week. I got angry at the state of things here at this house. I got angry at C.M. for just up and leaving me here in this place that needs the attention of a miracle worker. In fact, I was talking to him tonight and I asked him about some things that he said that he would take care of. "I'm working on it," he said. Dammit, I am so tired of 'I'm working on it.' I pushed him a little bit to see just how much he was 'working on it' and I didn't get much of an answer. Just more temporary stop-gap measures. I do not need this. I even told him that at least he had the luxury of up and leaving while I stayed here. I tell you, that got a reaction! He said, "If you could snap your fingers, I'd gladly trade you these last five months!"

Evidently, he hasn't been reading my journals - especially this public, online one. I only told him, "Alright. Go ahead and do it." Let him see how it is to deal with isolation and loneliness. Let him see how it feels when it seems that the world has completely forgotten about you. Let him see how it feels to deal with the feelings that somewhere along the way, you made a monumental mistake with your relationship and you don't know where or how - you only know that there is no one that you can turn to for help or a kind word.

Who? Me? Bitter? Nah - not at all. I'm just waking up. Again.

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