Moon Phase = heading closer toward
first quarter		Weather = mid 40's and clearCurrent reading = The Artist's Way - Julia Cameron
Week 3!
Quote: "You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm."
- Colette

November 24, 1998

I got so carried away with my list yesterday, I completely forgot to mention my artist date...

I decided to do something a bit different this time - before, I had always gotten away with not spending any money at all on my artist dates. This time, I took $12 dollars with me to spend on anything I wanted. Yeah - I figure that sounds utterly ridiculous to most folks but it's hard for me to just fritter away a few bucks. It's got to have purpose. Ninety bucks for tuition? No problem...$12 for a book I need for that class?? No problem...

$3.99 for a frivolous little ring?? No way!!

It was really awful while I was in that store. I really loved that ring but I cringed at spending the money. I hung on to it the whole time I was in there. I also went into nearly every aisle, seeing what all they had. I'd pick up one thing and say, "Oooh! I really want this!" and carry it around with me too - then I'd see something else and I'd say, "OOOH! I want this even more!!" I spent about two hours just roaming through the store and picking up stuff and putting it back...lol.

I did get that silly little ring though. It's a neat little toe ring with smiley faces on it. It made me laugh and I was totally happy with it once I parted with the money for it.

Today, I spent time outside. Most people do spring cleaning and I do fall cleaning. I cleaned out some dead weeds that had grown up next to the front porch. The porch seems to be 'out there' now where before it had been hidden by the weeds (yes, they were tall weeds...) I picked up some cat food cans that I had left out and hadn't recycled yet - I seem to have gotten into the bad habit of when the weather is cold I say, "I'll get that tomorrow when it's warmer..." and I scrubbed out the cat's water container. I don't know why I got in such a cleaning spree.

When all that was done, I went and got the camera. I spent quite a while taking pictures of the cats on both slide and print film. Ollie decided to pose for about a minute so I could take his picture and then he seemed to say, "O.k. - you've done enough." Banapis and Lilith decided that they wanted to be petted more than immortalized in print. I wanted to try to catch one of the as-of-yet-unnamed cat's eyes on film. He has the most incredible copper colored eyes I've ever seen. I hope that they show up on film.

The first of the posters for SHA is finally about done and I've started working on the male figure for the one showing the 7 chakra system. I can't believe how much time has gone by since I first agreed to do these posters...it's almost unforgivable. I spent so much time on this first poster, almost as if I was afraid to finish it - which is probably exactly the case. Oh well, I've set a deadline for myself now and I've got to get moving so I can finish the first two by next Thursday. I've got a week.

Another of the tasks in the Artist's Way is to examine your bad habits that keep you from the self-nurturing that everyone needs and also from working. It says to list three obvious rotten habits and ask yourself, "What is the payoff in continuing them?" Then list three subtle habits and what use do they have?

Oh boy - my big thing right now is overeating. Just when a drawing (or anything of worth) is starting to go well, I drop everything and run for that fridge. It's as if the act of creating is the act of becoming vulnerable so I have to stop it as soon as I recognize what it is. I stop myself so that I can't be open to attack ever again. (Attack from what, I don't know.) I also have the habit of turning on that damn t.v. almost as soon as I get up in the morning. Silence is uncomfortable for some reason. It didn't used to be but it is now. The thing with going to tech three days a week to get my e-mail and catch up with stuff is becoming a bad habit. I don't need to sit for hours and yap at and with everyone...it's starting to be just killing time so I don't have to work on my art.

So what is the payoff in continuing these nasty habits? Well, it would appear that there isn't one. I'm not creating anything - but I am oh-so-comfortable here in my denial. (Denial?? Denial of what??)

The subtle habits are just that - I can't seem to find the time to exercise or perform my nightly rituals. I also have this habit of not being able to say no lately. (I even mentioned this fact the other day in a meeting and one of the other attendees actually said, "Well, good!") These habits actually don't have any use except to keep me exactly where I am - and away from perceived threats, meaning change. They keep me in the same position where I am nearly guaranteed to be physically taken care of but emotionally starved. They keep me from realizing my potential as a person but 'safe'. Ugh.

I suppose that is what my denial is all about - I try to kid myself and tell myself that everything is o.k. and fine when in reality, it sucks in many ways. I'm not going to go into that right now - I'm too tired. Good night, Sweetie.


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