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| Moon Age = 12 days | Moon Phase = heading toward full
on New Year's Day | Weather = Windy, Cold and sleet | Current reading = Initiations, Human and Solar - Alice A. Bailey
The Vampire Lestat - Anne Rice
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Quote:"Why had no one told me that the function of will might be to stand back, to wait, and not to push?"
-Marion Milner
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December 30, 1998
One day left in 1998...
A sad, terrible note - 31 wild mustangs have been found murdered in Nevada. They have all been shot at close range with a high - powered gun. I can't imagine the reasoning behind such terrible acts. Sweet Epona, why would anyone want to kill your children? All those wonderful souls...gone for no good reason. I will have to do a journey to see if any of the horses need to be helped over - which I do not look forward to (I never do) and of course, I will add my energies to the efforts of catching those responsible.
Sweet Epona, guide Your children back to Your side and let them run free on the four winds from which Allah created them. I call You in Your guise of Mare' and ask that you visit the people responsible with terrible visions and nightmares...let them have no mercy or peace until they surrender, in whatever way You see fit. Let justice be served. So mote it be.
Today has been busy. I decided that I needed a kick so I put some of the stuff I've been learning in class to use. I used red (take a deep breath and sound a long E - that's red) to get going...and let's see - I've trimmed and put up weatherstripping around that door on the north side of the house; sculpted, baked and begun painting a bust of a woman, started cleaning in the kitchen, tacked up an old rug over the door where the cats sleep to keep the wind out better, changed that light bulb that I've been meaning to change in the hallway, cleaned the bathroom...I'd say that red works very well.
I talked to M.S. today. I told her of some of my reservations about this storefront thing that the center has gotten into. I told her about my experience with promoting websites on the Web and she said that the group definitely needed to know that - and also why I was stopped every time at the meeting. I still don't like the idea of this cyber mall thing but I feel better now that my views have been finally heard. I am all for making money - but don't put all your eggs into one basket. Work on several different projects. End of topic.
The last few days have not been great. I'm back to drifting off around one or so, only to be startled awake for whatever reason around 2:30. I am also feeling quite isolated and lonely with the car awaiting its retirement to the pasture and C.M. spending more time at his parents. He was here earlier tonight for about an hour and left again. Granted, he is feeling poorly again...but what about me? Don't I count for something? Don't get me wrong - I don't depend on him for my happiness...but I care. Here he is, sick, and he turns away from me. All I can say to myself is that I'm just going to have to stay on this path to myself...and know that it'll all work out in the end despite what things are like in the present.
I think that we're going to have to talk again. I really hate talking to him many a time because it is like pulling fingernails. He will not give his opinion for nothing. Things are very different now, though. For many years in the beginning, the subject of children never came up - but then again, I was fourteen when we began going together. It wasn't until several years ago when I discovered that he wants children...after a conversation we had with another person and I said that I have absolutely no maternal desires. I just don't have that vibe. Needless to say, he was hurt and I was startled. He also used to say that he wanted to 'take care' of me...but I don't need to be taken care of. Some may think that having damn near everything taken care of is bliss but it isn't, especially if the relationship is emotionally barren...it just doesn't leave me much to do. I hate being useless.
Yes, I know that many of the signs point to the obvious route, especially after rereading previous entries.
I think I'm going to call L. tomorrow - I want to see if her move went smoothly. Besides, I need to talk to other people - I don't deal well at all with isolation. Solitude is fine - but isolation sucks royally. Also, since it is 3:24 in the morning - I think that I will try going to bed. Maybe I'll get some sleep. Good night, Sweetie.
Later...
I never did get to bed - it's snowing!!! I had to go out and be with it for a while although I'll be the first to admit that the wind is a bit nippy, even for me. I love the snow. I love being out with Nature at any time of the year but when snow comes, I get as giddy as a school girl.
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Page Copyright 1998 D. Firewolf