This is one of those hard to write entries. Looking back, I can see a pattern emerging in this journal ~ it is doing its job of documenting my thoughts but there seems to be only two emotions here. I can't quite say that 'happiness' is one of them ~ it's more of an 'even keel' kind of thing ~ and anger. I can see that the programming of 'showing a good face to the world' is still firmly intact. How utterly fake.
This entry is hard because I feel so sad. I don't even really know where to begin as to why I feel that way. I feel so overwhelmed that I may never find my way out. Where did my life go so wrong? How did I end up in such a way? AS usual, my mother brought all this to the surface. I can't say that she's to blame for it ~ it's been there all the time. I suppose that I just wasn't listening.
Here I am, sitting at this computer, all alone and there is no one I can talk to. Nobody seems to care what I feel. What I'm feeling is that I'm trapped in this life and my mother is happier than ever because she's almost got the daughter she always wanted ~ one that is interested all the useless things she is. C.M...I don't know what he feels or thinks. I've been shut out there for a long time and just didn't want to see it. Who wants to come in second to a computer? I'm broke. Has my life passed me by? Is it over? Is this it? If it is then it's a cruel joke.
I can't even get any artwork started under these conditions ~ let alone finished. It seems to be as fakey as I am. That makes alot of sense, doesn't it? Since art is a language and mirror of the soul, it should make sense.
I broke one of my own rules. I've been playing nice instead of being playing myself...I've turned my back on Kokopelli. My beautiful Kokopelli who tells me that I am joy and need to find myself again. Remember my dreams...he believes in me.
Page Copyright 2001 D. Firewolf
