Neat Website:Southwest GhostHunters Association A neat website ~ the info posted in their forum is interesting as well with lots of protocols on how to conduct an investigation.
Well, C.M. is back from his conference in Knoxville and by most accounts, it was a pretty good one. He was hired to train others on computers, as well as LAN networks and such. The computers were so up to date that he said that another guy working there told him that 'no matter where you go when you leave here and no matter what kind of equipment they have ~ you're stepping back into hell.'
Looking back on my own week, I wonder. This was supposed to be my week of solitude and a rare treat of being able to do what I want, when I want ~ no worries and nothing hanging over my head. It didn't quite work out that way, even though I tried to let it go. It still bugs me.
Last Friday, after a day when I was feeling a bit out of sorts anyway, I left my mom's house thinking that I would at least have one day to begin to decompress and be able to face the world again. She told me that she would call on Monday or Tuesday (I'll be the first to admit that I secretly hoped it was Tuesday...) but I didn't get my day. 4 hours after C.M. left on Sunday, here she was on the phone, asking no end of inane questions ~ was C.M. gone? (Yes.) What was I doing? (Why?) Was I enjoying my solitude? (I don't know, I haven't had enough of it to know.) I'll be the first to admit that I didn't try to hard to hide my feelings about the intrusion ~ especially since her first words were not along the lines of 'I have some bad news' and didn't involve death or anything near it.
Truth be told, she pissed me off. It showed a major lack of respect when she called like that after she told me that she wouldn't call until Monday at the earliest. It's not like she didn't know what I was planning ~ I told her how much I was looking forward to this. I wasn't kidding when I thanked her for saying that she wouldn't call.
I keep asking myself ~ am I the problem? Am I truly a horrible person with major anger issues? Was I in the wrong to get angry for having my solitude disturbed before it even had a chance to take hold? I have to stop and tell myself no. I am not horrible. I am struggling to keep myself together while I try to stay honest to myself without compromise. I owe it to myself to have some down time without having to put up with anyone else. It does anger me that I still question myself when it come to situations like this ~ I know that I still have a lot of work to do in this area and granted, years and years of conditioning aren't going to be undone in a lesser amount of time.
Perhaps I should have dealt with this situation long before now instead of trying to let it go. It feels as if it's started to fester a bit and I know that some anger over the situation has come to the surface a few times this week. I wonder how things will go when I do finally see or talk to her again? Will she try to blame me for the whole thing like other times in the past? I do take responsibility for my part ~ perhaps it could have been handled better. Perhaps not. All I know is that sometimes the relationship with my mother feels like an emotional and mental version of what I imagine the bends feels like, with all the nitrogen that builds up in the bloodstream when a diver comes back to the ocean surface too quickly after going down really deep. I would like some peace. I just haven't been able to find it...especially when I have a damn crazymaker calling me right when I start to decompress and try to let go of stuff.
I guess not all was lost. There were some good times and the previous entries show it. There are two more weeks coming up where maybe I can try again. Next time, I won't be so damn vocal about my anticipation ~ and I'll turn that damn ringer off.
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